I think I must be doing something wrong.  I encountered virgin number two.  At my age, really? What are the odds? In his defense, he is kind of hot, but still, he's a little older than I would expect for someone to still be a virgin.  28, to be exact. Honestly though, I think I should point out that his being a virgin was not the problem. The problem was that he was really, really fucking weird. I'll explain:

Captain Inappropriate, which I will call him for the duration of this week's column, works at my library.  He is tall, has dark hair and kind of looks like Ben Affleck, or so he likes to say.  Always in a tucked in, button-up oxford shirt and jeans, he looks conservative, a little nerdy, and cute.

I am a frequent library-goer - I happen to love going to the library and reading books with plastic covers on them.  I go to his library at least once a week to check out a new book or two.  The first time I saw him he was sitting behind the reference desk.  I thought he was really attractive so I started staring.  He must have noticed because we locked eyes and looked at each other for a little too long. That's when it started.  From then on I would walk in, make eye contact and leave.  This was our relationship.  We didn't even speak, unless I made up a question to ask him.  This went on for weeks until I found him on Facebook.  I know I'm a stalker, but whatever.  I Facebook friended him and invited him to go out for drinks at a bar nearby with some friends of mine.

He messaged me and said he would meet me at the bar.  I was ecstatic! I got dressed up and was prepared for some serious flirting but was disappointed to find that he was exactly the same person outside the library as he was behind the reference desk.  Silent and a little too emo.  He sat there sipping his beer, not talking to me.  After an hour of this I decided I was done and got up to leave.  He practically jumped out of his chair and offered to walk me to my car.

The walk to the car was filled by more silence.  I walked beside him, hands in my pockets, clenching the fabric of my sweatshirt, trying to make it less awkward.  I was so glad when we made it to my car that I threw myself in and shut the door.  He got in the passenger seat and looked at me.

"Oh, sorry, I'm just really tired and I think I'll go home now," I blurted out.

"Oh," he said.  Then he leaned over and started making out with me out of nowhere.  What the hell was going on? First he won't speak to me and now he's trying to get on top of me? I was more than a little shocked, but I got over it while his tongue was in my mouth and actually started to enjoy myself.

"Hey, do you mind walking back to the library with me to get something?" he asked.  "I left a book I need there."

Of course I said yes, so the two of us started walking.  This time, it wasn't so awkward and I wasn't at a loss for what to say.

"So... you kind of just jumped on me back there," I said.  "I mean, I thought you liked me because we always stare at each other in the library, but then I thought maybe you were just being nice because when we are together you don't speak to me!"

"Oh yeah, I'm not supposed to date people that visit the library so I didn't want to make it seem obvious," he replied sheepishly.

Was he serious? Was there some kind of secret, library employee code of conduct I didn't know about?

"I always thought you were hot," he added.
 
When we got to the library all the lights were off.  As we passed various closets and storage rooms he told me about all the places he and his coworker joked about having sex in.

"That closet would be good, but it's a little cramped in there," he said after passing a door to our left.  "And that room is great, but the door doesn't lock, so I guess someone could walk in at any moment," he said as he pointed to another room.

He took me to the last room on the right, his office, and shut the door.  He quickly pushed me up against a filing cabinet and the silent boy became very, very talkative.

"Oh God, you're making me so hard," he whispered in my ear.  Ew! "I'm so turned on right now, I'm really, really hard," he said.  It was like word vomit.  He couldn't stop.  Nothing vile like my first virgin, but this was still uncomfortable.  At the time I didn't know he was a virgin, but I knew something was off.  Normally, if someone said that to me in the heat of the moment I'd be thrilled--maybe even a little turned on myself--but because it was him, the guy who doesn't speak, it was just plain weird.

I pushed him off of me and told him that I needed to leave.  I wasn't weirded out to the point that I would say no to a second date though.  He asked me if I would have dinner with him, and I said yes.  Why not give him a chance? Maybe explicitly telling me I gave him an erection is a weird as he can get.

Our dinner date came around and he took me to a sushi restaurant downtown.  He spent the entire meal reenacting scenes from Seinfeld.  "Elaine said this, then Jerry said this and it was hilarious....blah...blah...blah..."  He ordered for both of us, like I was a small child who didn't know that raw fish was edible and that there is this thing called sushi that you eat with chopsticks!!!

After dinner he begged to take me to the revolving bar at the Bonaventure Hotel.  Frankly, I was annoyed, but I had been dying to check out this bar that moves in a circle so I said I'd go for one drink.

We went up to the bar and sat at a circular booth facing the view of downtown below.  I'll admit it - it was romantic.  I ordered a glass of wine and he ordered a double jack and coke.  He started to get really drunk, and the night started to get interesting and inappropriate.

Captain Inappropriate spilled his guts and told me about how he is a virgin, but not by choice.  He said that he tries to "get as far as he can go with girls, but [that] it never works out."  I thought he was so sad and pathetic.  I felt sorry for him and almost wanted to sleep with him just to put him out of his misery.   

"So how do you like it?" he asked me.  What was he talking about?  "You know, how do you like it?"  What the hell was he talking about?
 
"Do you like it fast or slow?" he pushed.

"Ok, seriously, I don't know what you are talking about," I replied.

"You know, oral sex," he said.  Before I had a chance to reply he leaned in and put his hand on my kneecap.  He took his middle finger and moved it over my knee in a circular motion.  "So do you like it fast?" he said as he moved his finger faster, "or do you like it slow and firm," he asked as he put pressure on my knee and slowed it down.  Suddenly I realized what he was doing.  He was pretending that my kneecap was my fucking clitoris!!! Ahhhhhh!!! I jumped from the table and excused myself.  That is fucked up and inappropriate! I ran to the bathroom and immediately texted two of my closest friends.

When I got back to the table the check was still sitting there.  It had been sitting there for half an hour now.  I couldn't sit with him any longer and have him rape my knee cap or my elbow or anything else within his reach so I grabbed the check and paid just to get the hell out of there.  I paid $70! That's how badly I wanted out.  I told him that I wasn't feeling well and that I need to leave.  I faked a cough and told him that he better not get too close.  "But I really want to kiss you right now," he pleaded.  Yeah, like that was going to happen.

I ran to my car and peaced.  I drove as fast as I could to meet the Giver for a booty call even though it was 1 am.  Now I go to the library the next city over.